Finding Strength in Cliche Dreams...

This post has been a long time coming. Perhaps thirty-one years long, I cannot be sure. Somehow I had always hoped to arrive at this point - while at the same time feeling quite sure it would never come. Isn't it funny.

We all like to think we are strong. That the experiences of our childhood do not truly affect us - or make us less than what we should be. That WE will overcome it through our own perseverance, strength and determination. We use these as walls to build around our hearts - impenetrable fortresses of our own personal will that somehow prove our resiliency. But do they?

All my life I have longed to be loved. Truly loved, cared for and respected for just the person that I am, flaws and all. Although that search has led me through dark alleys and into the arms of blackness and back, somewhere I forgot what I was looking for. At some point, I raised those walls of strength to prove that I am independent, secure and self-sufficient. That trust is not something that I need to give away, but something to find within myself. In doing that - I stopped growing.

I have had a few great relationships and some terrible ones. I thought I was giving everything, working my hardest and yet failing miserably at each attempt. I walk away from those ruins with some beautiful memories and some lessons learned. I also walk away with deeper questions for myself. When the walls came tumbling down, the pyres burned and what was left of them were consumed in the inevitable stench of bitterness. I noticed that I, too, was in shambles. If I am honest with myself, I have been in shambles for some time now.

So what to do with it? As we all do, I laid in the corner and licked my wounds. I spent months carefully peering through the holes left behind, trying desperately to match up those tattered edges with who I thought I was. When I couldn't make that happen, I retreated.

And here is where the cliche comes alive. I breathe life into it, only because for me? It is everything.

Love heals all.

I can say I have never put much stock in these lofty ideals - and now I know why - I had no idea what love really was. I had a version - where I hid behind my strength and mistrust and asked others to jump over insurmountable obstacles. And yet I wondered why they failed. Every. Time. I had no idea that the one thing I held back was the very thing I had to give - myself.

How could I have ever imagined that tearing down these barriers that protected me would make me the strongest I have ever been? That the fear of placing the most tender part of me in someone else's hands would be the most frightening - and yet most freeing - thing of all? The commitment has been tried and tested - first by you and then by me - pulled at, turned inside out and then lovingly cradled. I have been afraid - really afraid. Trembling, overwhelming and teary afraid. Your strength has propped me up and allowed me to release the reins on my heart. To trust in your weight beneath me, the shelter of your arms and the warmth in your heart. And when I could finally stand, I was more than strong enough to prop you up too.

We haven't taught each other how to love. We must have known how - somewhere deep inside ourselves. However, we are still teaching each other, and ourselves, how to allow it to come. Like waves, it crashes over us, consumes us and erases the fallen sandcastles of old hurts. It leaves us refreshed and intact. Perhaps then, the cliche could be modified. It may not be that love heals all - perhaps just the *right* love can heal our fears, quell our anxieties and soothe old wounds. The questions I ask myself now have drastically changed. No longer do I need to re-evaluate my relationships or meter out my heart. Now I go freely forward with you - in the face of risking the sweetest part of me - the most fragile side, asking myself: how can I show you TODAY how much more I love you when, as you say, "there is no conceivable scale that could ever measure how much love that is."

Aaaaaaannnnndddd Plastic Surgeons Take over the World!

Hello!!!

It's been some time since I've posted anything out here in the virtual desert, but I thought I'd write a little note to share something up and coming.

I? Am finally!!??!! going to have my breast reduction!!!!

It's scheduled for March 8, which means that I'll be needing to pull away from the university rat race for a week or so, but hey - its totally worth it! I've arranged for Thing One and Thing Two to sleep elsewhere for a couple nights while I suffer and made all the arrangements to be sure I'm not totally on my own.

I'm looking forward to bathing suits that fit and bras that are cheaper and prettier. Cause we all know that anything over a DD is total grandma land. Ugh.

Wish me luck!

Random Love Notes from My Inbox

Coming home from class tonight I found a random love note in my inbox:

"You are my lover, my friend, my partner in life
The reason I breath and truly love life
You're the snow that falls down on a slow winter's day
My passion, my love, the reason I gaze
You're the sole reason I love
Please never go away"

To the man who wrote me such words:

You my love? Are ADORABLE. Thank you for loving me enough to write these beautiful little things and sending them my way. I couldn't be happier - loving you is the easiest thing I've ever had to do. You make my life shiny.

Amor est Vitae Essentia

Never could I have EVER known that I would feel this happy.
It is this warmth, every morning when I open my eyes and I think of you, it crashes over me like waves - warming my toes, tummy, arms... my heart. It starts a smile tickling across my face, ear to ear -a silly teenage grin that never wipes off.

I start my day - EVERY day, knowing that I am loved. And that I love. Real storybook love - where nothing matters, there are no boundaries, no rules - no exceptions. That my flaws are loved - that I love yours. That there is nothing in this world that can take it apart - this crazy head-over-heels, tight chested perfection.

That we are so connected - that I often pick up my phone just before your text rings in, or that just the moment that I am thinking of you - the telephone rings and I hear the deep rich sound of your voice. That we can talk about anything, be completely vulnerable, lay in bed for hours just sharing minds, souls and skins. That we do not ask anything of each other, or expect anything more than simple honesty, respect and love. That we didn't plan this thing of ours - that we came crashing into each others lives just when we needed each other.

Fiercely, madly - truly...

You.

Winter

Winter!

Quiet, snowy evenings - perfect for a peaceful walk.
Except when it includes smashing windows and screaming children.

Last night, Thing One tripped and fell - going right through a double paned window in the living room. Luckily - he doesn't have a SCRATCH on him, but WOW! It was cold in here last night.

One piece of cardboard does not a window make.

Well, the window has been replaced - and no one is hurt so I scratch it up to life. OY VEY!

Just for the record, I? Am very very happy. You know who you are - and I have never felt so loved. Thank you for reminding me of what love can really conquer.

Christmas is just around the corner...