Monday, April 18, 2011

The Elephant in the Room (or - this is gotta be a good life)

Spent the last couple of days living in nostalgia, looking through old pictures. Reading old emails. Stepping into the shadows of who I used to be and finding, surprisingly, that it doesn't fit anymore. And for some reason, that makes me feel sad.

I choose to live where the light is. Where love is possible. Where possible is possible. I turn my back on the creeping shadows and turn my face to the sun. All this time, I thought I was beating it, only to look down and see those shadows shackled to my ankles. I am standing in a puddle of my own rotting hope.

So much negativity pressing down on me.
From the outside, moving inward. Full of sickness and rot.

I'm turning my shovel in the ashes and I feel like I keep searching, looking for a shard of colour in the surrounding miles of gray. I wonder if I am a caterpillar who cloaks his potential in the winter of his cocoon, or just a silly centipede trying to convince myself otherwise.

Feel it in my gut, something is shifting. Almost imperceptible, but its there. My anxiety climbs as long as I cannot put my finger on exactly what has changed. Or why. That tremor in the earth, through my toes and into my calves, that turns my stomach. The wind in my hair is loathing, not freeing. Stealing my breath and making no promises.

Sitting, clawing at my thoughts inside my brain and praying for the break. This is gotta be a good life. Somewhere. Or it has to have the potential to be. There has to be something to come from it all. I am a lover, a giver, a friend. I am also a liar, a poser, and a thief. Aren't you?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

goodbye my old friend
the silent word lost in the end
fake it fast and just pretend
it's a break in the rhythm
just a colour for how I feel
you need a wound for it to heal
a quick shuffle and the dark appeal
of a break in the rhythm

in the rhythm

so happy to be drowning in your sorrow
if there's any bad news baby
it can wait until tomorrow
too late to set you free
you are too deep inside of me
like two worlds in harmony
like a break in the rhythm

and how I feel is like a child in a foreign place
far too alone, far too alone to face the fear that I have to face
and how I feel is like a burning sun behind clouds of grey
far too alone
too far away

to say the words I need you to hear me say

my love she flew away
but I talked to her yesterday
and the only thing I heard her say was
I love you

goodbye to mystery
you know I can't live with what I can't be
why is it so hard for everyone to see
there's been a break in the rhythm

break in the rhythm

crying out loud

and crying out loud