Thursday, July 31, 2008

Viva la Moonbeam!

I recently went away on a mini-vacation with my boy, Aftermath. After packing up the car, we headed out on a 12 hour drive to Moonbeam Ontario, or as I call it - the true test of intimacy. We arrived much later... somewhere around 2 am.
Scheduled to attend a family reunion in Timmins on Saturday, Aftermath and I set about cramming as much fun as we could in a three day weekend. With his recent job demands keeping him away from home, it was a much needed reprieve from so much separation. In the spirit of renewed love, we headed up to Timmins solo on Friday in search of matching tattoos. Ten minutes, a hundred dollars and one snake threat later, we are sporting his and hers sniper marks, continuing our offbeat and quirky relationship between the crosshairs.
The family reunion was fabulous. Too much beer, too much french and one shot with "Uncle Rrroogggee" later, I was suddenly hit with a realization. Ok, maybe not suddenly, a little drunkity means a lot slower. For Aftermath too... and I quote "Hmm, is Cappuccino french for mudslide?" Me (slurring): No honey. It's Italian for coffee...dumbass!". LMAO. It's still funny.
Aftermath, I love you. I declare my love to you from the top of this blog mountain for all the world to hear. Thank-you for sharing your life, your heart and your beautiful family with me. Most of all, thank-you for sharing your every day. I'm looking forward to a lifetime of 12 hour drives by your side.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Get Your OWN You Crazy Granola-Eating B**ch!

Alright. Time: 8:50 am. Place: class in an unnamed University.
Amount of coffee consumed by me: NONE... yet.

As I'm engaging in an interesting conversation with my table neighbour, I suddenly hear a boorish and very loud "EXCUSE ME"!!! Of course I halt my repartee and look around, thus noticing another classmate across from me.

I raise one eyebrow and wait. Her scrubbed, makeup-free face shining under the flourescents, she points to my table and says "Can I have the highliter".
Um.. what? You want MY highliter? Not "the" highliter, MY highliter. For the record it is not class property, to be distributed to whomever may need it next. For this reason I am curious about her word selections. Perhaps, may I borrow your highliter is more appropriate no?

Despite knowing better, I hand over the most wonderful pink highliter, complete with bubble graphics in the tube, to the young woman in the hemp clothing. For the next ten minutes, she peruses her notebook, randomly attacking it with a pink stripe now and again.

After she is finished, she politely got my attention and graciously thanked me for sharing my highliter right? It's the only considerate way to show your gratitude, correct?
She DID NOT actually turn half way around and THROW it in my general direction, did she?

Get your own damn highliter, crazy granola eating b**ch. Ease up on the tofu - it's making you loopy.

Monday, July 21, 2008


Check out what I've been doing here. I've been thoroughly disgusted by what exactly we market to the youth of North America.

Tell me what YOU think.


Thursday, July 17, 2008

Exploring Bloggers Paradise - OR - Whatever keeps me from attempting the laundry

I must admit that I'm a bit of a blogging idiot.
I'm feeling my way around here, and for you that actually read my posts, I thank you. Even if that's only you sugarpants!
Recently, I got to thinking about all the things that I MUST comment on, outside of regular Double Agent life, and so I have created a side blog - at the moment called "News, Boos and Reviews: Other Thoughts from the Agent.
Check it out. The link is posted here on the left.

There really is a pile of laundry calling my name. It is really too bad that it is outweighed by the couch attached to my ass. Isn't it?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Kicking Ass in the Morning and Taking Names in the Evening

I? Am a dumbass.
I've been cruising this summer, taking class as I always do along with volunteering and working as a research assistant, but also camping, taking girls trips and generally slacking off. After I pulled an 84 in my first english lit summer session, I've been on vacay - and apparently so has my mind.
After a very great (and horrifying) trip to Ottawa with Jenny, I was geared up for my writing class. I got up at 530 am, fed the kids, sunscreen, showered, two drop offs, coffee and VOILA! Here I am academia!!
The classroom is empty. WTF?!?
After a failed attempt to access the computer lab I finally resorted to begging the lovely English Dept secretary to help me locate my wayward class.
I am a dumbass.
Not only did my class start last week, but it's help only on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Monday? Not applicable.
After an embarassing email plea for forgiveness to the professor, here I am, seated in the class twiddling my thumbs. For the record, everyone else is peer reviewing the assignment that I didn't know was given. Me? I'm peer reviewing my brain. This can only get better right? Argh...

On a different note - Jenny went home today. I'm sad. She's been my sidekick since last Wednesday. With the boy working two jobs and Jenny vacating my premises, this agent is L-O-N-E-L-Y.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Three Shirts DO NOT Equal One Bra

Alright, back to the task at hand. I began sharing the horrors of the hotel situation down here in O-dot, but had to run screaming from the bugs.
So to recap, the shit-ass room we originally had we vacated. Quick.
Picture this: two tired as girls with suitcases on wheels roaming the streets for another hotel. At 11 pm. In Ottawa. Thankfully the lovely Holiday Inn was willing to take in these two strangers, and actually it seems that they are NO strangers to the horrors of the Embassy Hotel. Seriously people? DO. NOT. STAY. THERE.
We'd like to give props to the Con-Con man, otherwise known as Conor the night desk clerk. He set us up good and proper. After falling in love with the new room and gorging our tired asses on a vending machine dinner, we slept beautifully. Note: French Onion Sun Chips? ARE a meal.
Besides the aforementioned insect attack and the two new blisters between my toes - who knew THAT could happen?? - we've had a blast.

This city? Is CHILL.

Only one problem. Ottawa seems to definetly enforce a "no bra - total service" motto. The amount of free swinging girls around here is frightening. It would be ok (I guess, although it makes me feel violent) having a size 00 body and being 6 ft tall with tiny little appley boobs but the ones I see are attacking each other, and possibly anyone standing within three feet. I know gravity is a bitch, but cmon. Three shirts DO NOT equal one bra. Not now, not ever.

On a finer note... or less fleshy... I ate a beaver tail yesterday. SO BAD for you. SO loverly. Fried dough, chocolate spread...heaven. Who can't love a city whose famous for such a caloric treat?

Viva l' Ottawa!!

Ottawa Bluesfest and Three Days Grace

To return to the previous intended post, I want you all to know that Three Days Grace ROCKED my socks last night. Hitting the stage at 8 pm sharp, the boys did not disappoint. Clad in a white collared shirt and black tie and sporting a shorter haircut, Adam successfully worked his crowd of adoring fans.
Thanks to Bluesfest and their giant Jumbotron, everyone in the park could get a very good view of what was happening on stage, no fans tall or small were disappointed.

Being my tenth concert with these dudes, I myself was impressed with another high quality show. Adam's voice was on point, Neil's drumming to die for and both Barry and Brad never missed a note. Adam did a white hot acoustic rendition of Alice in Chain's Rooster - his voice stepping up to provide those deep sweet grungy tones. I heart that boy. He makes my tummy flip.

They ended the set with Home from the first album, in which Neil had a solo on the drums. Adam wove in Filter's Hey Man Nice Shot into the middle, changing up the feel of the song and truly touching the hearts of those rockers in the audience. Hey man - nice choice!

So the event kicked ass, I definetly exclaimed "yes" and "auhhh" and "sweet" over and over in Jenny's ear, bless her heart for putting up with that!

As for all that happened after? It's another post.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Three Days Grace

Ok, I meant this to be about the kickass concert I just came back from, but that's going to have to wait.

Upon return to the hotel of doom, Jen found bugs in the bathroom.


I've got some screaming to do.

To be continued.


Ok, so here I am, in Ottawa for the much anticipated Bluesfest Girls Trip. I've been here...oh lets round up and say: two hours. Verdict? HATE. Here is how I've spent them:

1) Driving around in useless one way circles that go the opposite way I want. 15 minutes.
2) Arriving at the.. um... GHETTO hotel I'm paying $100.00 per night to stay in... AND finding out "oops" the room isn't clean, come back (and I quote) in "about an hour or two". How long exactly is that? He had no answer. 20 minutes.
3) Cruising a cute little pub called the Mayflower for a beer and a quick lunch while waiting for said time to elapse. 10 minutes.
4) Literally SPITTING the food I bit into BACK onto the plate? 2.2 seconds.
(Granted, the pub manager DID apologize for the fries that tasted like retread fish. Turns out no one changed the oil in the deep fryer for, lets go with... a year. Who knew. Free Beer.)
5) Returning to the hotel, finding room clean (high five Jenny!) but then having to provide a second credit card for security (AND I QUOTE: Should we just LET you trash the room?), paying 2.69 per day for internet access and $9.00 a day for parking... 20 mindblowing minutes.
6) Finally getting to the room to find it looks EXACTLY like what I'd have vomited up had I eaten the aforementioned food? TOTAL MINDFUCK. Actual time lost, jaw still slack.


Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Jen Lancaster is my HERO

Hey all - GUESS WHAT? I have here a copy of Jen's third book "Such a Pretty Fat" and I'm STOKED. I read/ate both Bitter and Bright Lights and have been dealing with serious withdrawls. I heart you Jen Lancaster, in all your madras plaid glory. TO THE BATCAVE.

I'm about to lose me some time in this glorious literative addiction.
Seriously - don't call. I'm busy.

Monday, July 7, 2008


Alright, its been some time... here I am. I notice, the last few posts are really REALLY heavy. Some heavy stuff kicking around in the Agent's Portal, all dealt with. Just as a follow up, Sarah Toller's mother read my last post and requested permission to print it in a book she is compiling from Sarah's blog. I am truly honoured to do all that I can.

I promise.. good stuff to come. I'm back.. AND... we SAUCY!!

Cancer, Sarah Toller and Divine Intervention ~ June 2007

I have just understood the magnitude of something that has happened to me recently. I don't ever want to forget the crippling indebtedness that I have to a stranger I never met - Sarah Toller.
Back in April, I had a strange conversation with someone at my volunteer job. For all of you who don't know what I do, I volunteer in a child minding room at a local gym - where I had this offhand conversation with a child's parent and her friend. I honestly don't remember how it came up - especially since I'm not prone to discussing personal physical anomalies with virtual strangers- but this time I did.
Off hand, I mentioned to this woman (referred to as "S") that I had a strange mole inside my bellybutton. This mole had first been noticed by me five years ago while I was pregnant with Taylor. As all mothers know, your bellybutton has a tendency to turn itself out in the late stages. Mine only partially did, which is when I noticed a TINY little freckle - which I first thought was dirt.. LOL. I noticed around three or four months before this conversation, in the shower, that this mole was now the size of a pencil eraser. I thought it odd, and then spoke to S about it.
- - - let me say, S is not a nurse, or a health care professional. Why I should choose her is irrational - - - but prophetic.
S mentioned that her sister in law was battling skin cancer (melanoma) that resulted from a mole. This is Sarah Toller. She was diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma from this mole at the age of 27. (oddly - my age presently). S and her friend K strongly recommended that I see a dermatologist about this mole as soon as I can. They certainly stressed the importance of SOON.
And so - I did. I made an appointment, and in May the dermatologist opted to remove the mole in its entirety right there in the office and send it away for biopsy. I was sent home with a few stitches and an appointment four weeks later for the results. Of course, I worried, I thought about what cancer would mean for me, my children, our lives...
On June 12, I returned to the dermatologist for the results. Turns out - it was cancer - HOWEVER - it had NOT spread outside the mole. So - since they had removed the mole and surrounding tissue - it's no longer a problem for me. I need to follow up every six months to have all other moles checked - but no further treatment is necessary. Of course - I am grateful to S for the recommendation.
Today (July 5) is the first time that I have seen S since this whole thing started - school has kept me away from volunteering as much as i had, so I took this opportunity to express to S my gratitude.
S - burst into tears. Her sister-in-law - Sarah Toller, had lost her battle with melanoma, and passed away almost two months ago. She hugged me, we chatted about my "luck" - I thanked her for her intervention. S mentioned that Sarah Toller had actually kept an online blog through her struggle with the disease. She thought I may like to read it - and passed the link on to me. So this afternoon when I got home, I opened the link and began to read the entries Sarah made over the course of one year - documenting her battle with cancer.
What a brave woman. She was so positive, she fought so hard, she BELIEVED she was going to beat it! I laughed, I cried, I struggled for breath between sobs in the final entries, made by her husband in the last weeks of Sarah Toller's struggle. Then I read her eulogy.
Sarah Toller died - on June 12, 2007. The same day I received my results - the intersections are too close for coincidence.
Now - I am grateful first to Sarah Toller. Without her push for awareness, and her battle for her life - S would never have been so adamant in her recommendations to me. I believe Sarah wanted people to know - early diagnosis cures 90% of melanomas. Sadly, she died the day I was saved - and I cannot help but think - some forces were at work to bring me to this stranger S, who passed on a tidbit of information that led me to this hero Sarah Toller - whose death - probably saved my life. Rest in Peace.

Taylor: the Wealth of Information ~ June 2007

Date: June 23, 2007
Time: 1:05 pm
Place: sitting around the dining room table.
AARON: (walks up behind mom and puts arms around her neck) I'm keeping your mommy forever!!
TAY: UH OH! Mommy, how will you get out?
MOM: I'll gnaw my way out.
TAY: haha! Try it!
AARON: she'll never be free!
TAY: (thinking hard while staring at the ceiling and eating Cheezie pebbles...)
Will she turn a hundred in your arms?
AARON: I hope so...

Random Musings ~ May 2007

Sometimes it takes something very little to trigger a big response.
It may sound dramatic, but as I sit here with three stitches in my belly and a month of waiting before the biopsy report, life seems daunting.
When I woke up this morning, it was raining. Rain has a strange affect on me - sometimes I think it's beautiful and I go and dance in it until my clothing is stuck to my skin and raindrops collect on my eyelashes.. and I feel alive. Sometimes it mirrors back a deeper sadness inside my soul, and I feel small.
Today - I am small.
After I left the doctor, I stepped onto campus. People were walking all around me, in couples and thirds, laughing, talking, smiling. I couldn't really hear them. I blame it on the anesthetic. And I blame it on the lump of cotton inside my chest.
I hit the bank - Tim Hortons... and narrowly avoided a serious car accident.
Very narrowly. The cotton in my chest thumped hard...visited my throat.
Shaking, I hit the drugstore for antibiotic cream (for the stitches of course)..spoke with the pharmacist.. know how to care for them now.
Not quite sure how to care for ME though.
Life suddenly seems very simple.. have what you have, do what you want, love who you love. Don't look back, no regrets, get it done.
It seems simple - the universe handing you the permission to reach for your craziest dream.
However - it doesn't provide the key that removes the weight from your feet.
Wishing for longer chains...

Grades Are In! Year Two! ~ May 2007

Alright - to all of you who still read this space..
My Year Two Grades are in:
History of Christianity 74
Medival English 77
The Novel 81
Suicide Theory 81
Children and Grief 84
For this year my cumulative average is 78.6!
Thanks to all of you who encouraged me to do better ...

Just When I Thought 100 Reasons was Enough ~ March 2007

101. I love you because you are beautiful, not only on the outside but the inside too
102. I love the way you can turn me on with the slightest nibble to my neck.
103. I like the fact you get your hair done 3 to 4 times in a couple of months but always
look fantastical with your new look
104. I like that you like the word “Fantastical”
105. I don’t mind when you correct my spelling.
106. I like the area underneath your bra at the back in the center
107. Censored.. hey dude! It's a family show!!
108. I like the way you handle several tasks all at the same time and make it look easy
when I know it’s not
109. I love your messy hair in the morning. Lets me know we did it right.
110. I love the proud look on your face when your children make you proud
111. I get a chuckle when you pull a pan out of the oven and tell me it’s hot
112. I love the way you separate your vanilla ice cream by putting it in a cup and eating chocolate cake from a
plate so you don’t have to deal with the sogginess
113. I like the fact you don’t like soggy bread
114. I like when you and I make the same comments word for word and do the same actions at the same time to things
we joke about.
115. I love it when you smile, I always have.
116. I love your honesty
117. I love the fact you love me
118. I love the fact you do not take the idealism that “it’s all about me” you are very caring about others
119. I love the fact you put little messages in place around the apartment. “Hungry Again”
120. I like our little Corn War
121. I like the fact your family likes me as well as your friends.
122. I like listening to how your days was. I am always interested in all your adventures
123. I don’t like missing you. But I do love it when we tell each other
124. I do like our phones calls on the weekends you are away.
125. I don’t like it when we argue.
126. I like the fact we both know whats important. I need to stop sweating the small stuff
127. I like the fact my family loves you.
128. I like the fact I can be myself around you, even though sometimes I’m a little difficult.
129. I love the fact I can tell you everyday that I love you.
130. I love the idea of you being the one who inspired me to fulfill one of my ideas to drive a distance just to
bring you flowers. You are the only one I’ve ever don that for. I wouldn’t have done that for anyone else.
131. I love making you feel sexy.
132. I love to make you moan
133. I do like you couch material purse. I know you think I don’t
134. I love the fact you would rather sit beside me rather than across from me when we go out to eat.
135. I like it when the kids sit with us on the couch. It’s the greatest feeling in the world, the love is like
something I have never known.
136. I like your art work. I saw your work in your dads apartment. Its very good.
137. I like lying with you on the couch.
138. Even though we haven’t done it yet I know I will love napping with you.
139. I like calling you my girl
140. I like the card you picked out for me for valentines day
141. I like how you write your letter “A”
142. I get a kick at how competitive we get when we play connect four
143. I like the walmart experience with you. Nothing says family more than the Saturday madness at your local
144. I like that you like me.
145. I like the way I bury my face between your Cheek and shoulder when I hug you goodnight.
146. I like your fuzzy socks
147. I like Aaron Island on your bookcase.
148. I feel good about myself when I teach the kids something
149. I like that your name is Amanda
150. I love the idea that you didn’t expect these other 50 reasons today…….

From a Boy Who Loves a Girl - The Sequel ~ March 2007

50 more reasons why I love you...

51. how you mix your peas in with your mashed potatoes
52. the “no me” slogan
53. Censored!! LOL... forget it! No cheap thrills for my reading audience!!
54. your loving gestures when I least expect it.
55. bringing me a coffee when I am at work
56. Love it when you scrape your nails down my back
57. your passionate turn me on kisses
58. the back of your neck
59. listening to you help the kids read
60. your generosity and caring for my mother, I am moved by the way you take care of her
61. How you cry when an elderly person is sad
62. I like it when we take on household chores together. Makes me feel like we have a
home and not just house.
63. I like how you can look smart and nerdy but sexy as hell at the same time when you
wear your glasses…I call it SPECS APPEAL
64. I am touched by the fact even though we might be involved in a heated argument
you’re still willing to take care of me. That is what’s special about your love.
65. I like conserving water with you
66. I love how cute you look with your wool hat and matching scarf
67. I like the fact you offer to help pay for things
68. I like when we do dishes together, I feel like it’s sort of a special time between a
couple, its all about doing a task that nobody likes doing but it doesn’t seem so
bad when we do it together, gives us a chance to talk about our day.
69. Love the way your ass looks in a certain pair of jeans
70. I love the way we are in the car on a road trip, how we get into music and talk about it.
71. I am so proud of you learning what have so far playing the guitar.
72. Like the fact we both want the same things on many levels. We have similar goals and
knowing we are going to do it together makes me so happy
73. I like how you are consistent with your personality when you are with me, with you your
family and friends
74. I love watching you sleep
75. I love waking up to find you and the kids sitting on the couch together
76. I die a little inside when I see you cry.
77. I love the fact you believe that a feeling is so much stronger than a thought
78. love it when you call me baby on the phone.
79. Going out for breakfast with the family.
80. I love your little feet.
81. Censored.. AGAIN!!!
82. I love the way you feel in my arms
83. I love caressing your back.
84. I like the fact you let me play with your hair
85. When you speak French it turns me on big time!
86. I like hearing you talk about me to your co-workers
87. I like giving you piggy backs around the apartment.
88. I like the way my pillow looks next to yours
89. It makes me feel loved when you send food with me for my lunch.
90. I love making you laugh
91. I like the fact you are always there to listen
92. It means everything to me that you love me for me and you accept me for who I am
93. I love your earlobes
94. I love it when we do things with the kids
95. I love your kids like they are my own
96. I like the space beside you
97. I love kissing you
98. I enjoy everything we do together
99. I am so happy that you want to marry me

100. The hundredth thing I love most about you is……………..

There a million other reason why I love you.

From a Boy Who Loves A Girl - Emails from the Best Boyfriend in the World ~ March 2007

50) How you give everyone a chance
49) How hot you look in just a towel
48) your voice when you sing
47) how easy it is for this boy to love you
46) Your touch
45) Your humor
44) your cute little ears
43) your understanding
42) how nice it feels when your hand is in mine
41) Your great taste in fashion
40) Your great taste in music
39) your eye for photography
38) How you like to be organized
37) How you don't wear too much make up when you wear it
36) how You've managed to survive this long without a bread knife
35) how good you are to your children
34) the way you mix in the mustard in the butter on a sandwich....wait a minute.. no I don't! lol
33) the ideas you inspire within me for all the little ideas i get to make you something
32) the way your voice sounds on the phone
31) how cute you look in your Superhero pj's
30) How good it feels to hold you at night when I lay next to you at night
29) The fact you know a lot of music like myself
28) I love the fact you trust me with you car, home, and your kids
27) the way you like to spend money just like
26) your honesty even though sometimes its brutal but its better to be brutal sometimes
25) How you cuddle up to me in public
24) How great you smell
23) How we work together to get things done
22) your gratitude when you receive flowers
21) How Knowledgeable you are
20) The way your lips tighten up when I make you pick up 7 cards when we play crazy 8 countdown
19) The fact you mix M&M and Reese's Pieces together to eat them
18) The fact you fill up your gas tank when it 3/4 full
17) You have incredible artistic talent
16) I love the smile you get on your face when you get a new pair of Vans (lol)
15) I love how you feet look so cute in a pair of new Vans (like little loaves of bread lmao)
14) They way you sometimes call me babe, hun,
13) The look on your face of complete and utter satisfaction after you prove me wrong time and
time again
12) How beautiful and at peace you are when you sleep
11) How you can pick up a guitar and blow me away with how fast you can learn a song
10) Your beautiful hair, it compliments your beautiful face
9) How good you feel when you give me a hug goodnight
8) How you do your snare hits and drum rolls on my arm in perfect time with your favorite songs
7) Your determination
6) Your love and protection for your children
5) they way you laugh and lose control when something outrageous makes you laugh
(The Snort Factor as I call it)
4) your gorgeous green eyes
3) The way you come up behind me when I'm working on something and throw your arms
around me
2) Your children
1) I simply love you.......(I would add - more than life itself but I have the feeling someone already
holds royalty on that...lmao)

Growth ~ June 2006

It occurs to me, in the midst of all this change, defection, silence and solitude that I am growing. I don't mean growing in the way that increases inches or pounds (although I've been growing that way as well.. lol). I mean spiritual growth or maybe personal growth.
For years, I've had one leftover from all the time I spent on my own as a young teen and the perception I had of the loss of close family members in my everyday life. So many things sprung from that time, a few positive and many negative. Since then, I've steadily exorcised all those demons in my life... growing stronger in character, learning to trust people although usually they let you down, and learning to trust yourself and reach for your goals.
Many of my close friends and family now characterize me as "strong, determined, successful". It's funny how those terms really mean the same as how they characterized me before... "stubborn, selfish, independent"... just with a positive tilt. But the one thing remaining, the one demon still haunting me was the fear of being alone. I don't mean alone as in this room I'm sitting in is empty. I mean alone as in years of life passing by while I wander alone and unloved. Perhaps "alone-ness" isn't the term i fear... may more correctly be identified as "loveless".
For the last five years I haven't been alone or loveless.. as the two children in my life keep me stocked in company and love. Any parent however, recognizes that although fulfilling in a certain way - it doesn't fulfill one in the way of the human condition. One day my children will grow and leave me - as that is the way of life and it is the best way for the best interests of my children and their adult characters. Once they are gone however, there will be no one to hold my hand, be concerned over my tears, or throw their arms around me. That is is the aloneness I fear...
Also for the past five years I have had a special person. This person eased my aloneness even though we weren't really "together". A routine pattern to caring for each others personal worries, happiness and life paths we have travelled together and avoided that spectre of aloneness lurking in the corners. Recently however, as it is known to always happen eventually, that special person has become fainter and fainter...
As I sit and watch the relationship unravel I am forced to reconcile the shadowy corners. A certain lifestyle leaves me isolated from those I care about, alone most of the time through the day and all the way through the wee hours of the night. The special connection I once had no longer fills in the gaps and most time spent connected is spent in silence.
So as my last true connection slips through my fingers I wonder what's next. This demon I have avoided all these years since... and now am confronted as it crawls out from under the bed and tells me to move over.
I am afraid. But I am beginning to become accustomed to it's presence.. I am growing all the while.

Grades Are In! ~ May 2006

Well... after the first year of university is over.. I finally got my grades in!
Thought I'd share them will all you who are interested... and have supported this move and goal all along...

Drum Roll Please..............................
Philosophy 70
History 72
Earth Science 76
Pop Culture 79
English Lit 80
Average - 75 ..... eligible to continue in Honors Program
YAY! Thanks to all of you who supported and encouraged me... when I couldn't encourage myself.
Love you all,


The Results are In!! ~ May 2006

We polled anyone with spare time and mush for brains what's better... canned corn or frozen?!
Official tally : Frozen Corn - 8 votes
Canned vomit - 5 votes
HAHA suckas! As I knew it would.. frozen takes the cake.. and all those who disagree can stick a corn in it!
Thanks to everyone who took time to enter our little war.. Aftermath.. it was fun.. but I still kicked your ass!

We need you!! ~ May 2006


Please.. all of you that have an opinion that needs to be voiced.. PLEASE answer this call!

What is better? Frozen Corn or Canned Corn??
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.....

Anywhere but Here... ~ May 2006

Sometimes.. you find yourself lost in life.. grayed out.. feeling almost like a shadow. It's funny how disposable you become, only visible at certain times of the day.. shorter, longer.. waxing and waning at the mercy of the Sun. Whats funny is that life plays tricks on you... just as you seem to fall into a comfortable pattern in grayscale.. she throws you a twist and shakes you to the soul. She'll send you something wonderful.. something that infuses colour and suddenly blows wind into; you popping the shadows into 3D. It coaxes you from the rabbit hole.. falsely encouraging and seemingly trustworthy. Humanity makes you take the bait.. stick your toe in the water, and sure - it feels warm! She uses strong bait - happiness - and takes a long time to close her traps on you. And for those of you who don't know - it's teeth are biting. Rusted and gnashing, it's teeth are dipped in the most potent poison - despair.
THAT is the moment. That moment when it courses through your veins and freezes all it touches inside you that you realise that grayscale is much kinder. Like a cancer, despair corrodes all the good, all the warmth.. all the emotion hidden inside and leaves you black and decayed. Like an addict you continuously chase the high, chase the smell of the breeze and the warmth of the sun and the rose tinted world you ventured into...
I'm pretty sure I dropped my rose coloured glasses. I believe that caught in the whirlwind of life and blinded by the sun I accidentally set them down on the bench beside me before I was swept up to the next moment by that fragrant breeze. To be certain, someone else has picked them up and is currently living the bait - enjoying the beauty and forgetting the shadows. Should have smashed them when I had the chance.

Spring Cleaning ~ April 2006

ACK! Here I am. Some of you have been complaining that I don't blog anymore.. and I haven't uploaded new pics.. so.. done.. and DONE! Now you can all track my life.. and how I'm wasting it.. lol. You know who you are!
Spring cleaning around MSN lately.. deleting those who I no longer talk to... know.. or can remember. You know, I am admittedly a pack rat.. and always think that I will need EVERYTHING I own at some point, so I pack it away somewhere where it never gets used. Then situations come up.. like moving to London, where I dispatch of so many things that I don't need.. and probably have never needed. I seem to do the same with MSN. I have names of people that I barely knew, ten years ago, and they never come online, yet I can't delete them. My finger hovers over the button and I panic and think.. but what if I need to talk to them? How much of our lives are regulated by this pack rat-edness? Do I still have friends that I should have dispatched years ago? How many msn lists does my name grace?
For me, life has been nothing but a series of life-changing experiences. I can't say that life stands still, although as I look at my children I wish it would. Every so often, I turn and look at them and wonder... when did they grow up? I find the need to return to the baby pictures and become so surprised at how small they once were. Why do memories pile up on each other instead of side by side? It would seem that one simply overlays the next until the real image of the first is distorted. I look around at my friends, my children, my mirror image and it seems that they have always looked this way. Gone are the memories of change.. vapours. Why don't our memories pack rat in the same manner, compartmentalizing each set of distinct memories until we need them again?
It makes me wonder, do we need the memories we accumulate? Or is it fair to say that the important ones remain lodged somewhere deep inside, recalled in a moment of tranquility for us to roam a terrain we are no longer familiar with. These memories are like haze, something we stand in but can't quite seem to "see" except in the fringes of our minds. Do we have mental spring cleaning?
My life has taken another turn this year, coming to London... to throw my hat in the university ring. But it would seem just yesterday that I was a scared, crying girl wishing never to have extended myself this far, when really... the year is over. When did I become comfortable with it? Now, life seems to superimpose over my life back home... blended to be one when I never recorded the degrees of change. No longer is it one life there and a separate one here.. but one total life, with fringes of home. Further, when did I change?

Say nothing? Or nothing to say?? ~ November 2005

Well, I have had some complaints recently about my lack of blogging genius... I guess people are missing my crazy observations. Seriously, I have said nothing, because I didn't have anything to say. But perhaps, I do have things to say, I just want to say nothing. Sometimes, keeping your cards close to you seems like the best way to bluff...
I'm ok. For all you wondering... and for you that aren't, well consider yourselves informed! I am alive, I am healthy, I have beautiful children. I am missing something, or someone... as the case may be; that never really changes.
Here are a few things that I have not been saying:
I miss you.
I wish to live a life where the lights are always on, and someone is always home.
I want a home where laughter and love are the only things that hang on the wall.
I would like to fall asleep and wake up in the circle of everlasting love.
I hope for a love that is all encompassing... and yet changing, to allow us to grow old together.
I wish to grow old - and still hold hands.
I want a life where all that really matters is kept in my heart, not in my hand.
I would like to share my hopes, my dreams, my fears and feel that I am still loved.
I hope that my friendships remain steady and caring.
I miss you.
Mostly, I hope that love is cherished, and that no one is allowed to walk away and lose all that matters.
My heart still hurts...

I Am Brave ~ November 2005

It's a funny thing. I haven't attempted to write one measly word since my last publish - because I still feel every word drips with my disappointment. I opened this new blog, and have sat here for five minutes staring at the blank page. This past few weeks have been long. I have made many concessions, I have bargained with myself, with others. I have stuck my head in the sand, in the books and in my hands. Insomnia keeps me awake, alone with my thoughts which incidentally don't know how to use their quiet voices. When I do sleep (rarely) my dreams are unsettling... dreaming of those whom I know not anymore. I wake up in the morning unrested, in a tangle of my bedsheets and suffocating under the weight of this sadness. I sit on the brink of heartbreak and balance the petals of love and security precariously on one toenail. I also think about jumping. Falling out of this vicious circle of miss and want and terror... and into a smaller life, fewer people, less emotion. Dependable, honest and autonomous. It's not the fall that scares me. It's the crash at the bottom I'd like to avoid.
At night, I sit up very late painting a giant toad. Literally. I have an 18 by 24 canvas to which a giant toad is materializing out of multiple washes of acrylic paint. I am not only blocking in my colour, but infusing my lost passions, my love, my sadness and my hope into each spreading drip. Each layer is a salve applied to the burn which I perceive inside me. I am truly alone with myself, and with each brush stroke painting over a hurt, an insult, an offence, hopeful that one day, this masterpiece will be finished. Also hoping, that there will be a loving critic standing by to give me an honest viewing. This is difficult for me to write, far away from sarcastic humor, and more a pinhole into my soul. Perhaps I am brave, or perhaps I am stupid. Someone once told me that accepting that some will step on your heart when you open it to them, and not allowing them to jade and corrupt it is the greatest way to maintain your own virtue. I'm not afraid to share my love. Some are just afraid to take it.

Going Home October 2005

Alright. I have lots to say today, so we need to get right down to business. Three weeks. Three eternally long, unbelievably trying weeks where I wrote a plethera of papers, midterms, studied, drove myself crazy, got driven crazy by the kids.. i don't need to continue... sure you got the picture.
Day in and day out I sat at this very computer for four, six, eight, ten hours in a row... homework HOMEWORK! I missed my friends, i missed my family. I missed myself!
But I was awaiting the reprieve, looming on the horizon. Two whole days with my people! The ones I love, and they love me. Oh I was so excited.. it was the only thing that got me through some days in that last week.
SO.. I packed up the kids. I packed up my belongings (amazing how much stuff a girl needs for two days) and I drove two hours home, on Friday afternoon.. braved the Hamilton traffic at 330 pm and got rained on for the last twenty minutes of the trip. But I was so excited I was shaking.
I'm not going to go into the nitty gritty details. What actually happened.. neither here nor there. But it's funny how when you live in your hometown, your life is great. Your people are three minutes away by car (usually) and stop by at regular intervals. When you get ready to leave that hometown, you cry, you worry, you cling and you make promises not to forget each other, that you will keep in touch, and don't worry, we'll see each other every other weekend. Then you go. It's terrible.
You are homesick. You cry yourself to sleep each night, you eat pepto bismol like it really is a food group and you run up your long distance exponentially because it's so important for you to speak with them. ALL of them. ALL the time. You have a day where you start packing up your shit and going home because you have had enough of the university bull and you're going home where someone loves you.
But then you wake up.
You go to class.
You figure out, hey.. maybe I can do this. So you try. You get lost in the homework, the reading, the note taking, the paper writing... and you stay home on the weekend you're supposed to come back cause you have a midterm to study for, and in your hometown, friends and family always take precedence.
Ok. So.. it's three weeks since you've been home, you can't wait, you're going crazy! You can almost feel the arms of those that love you wrapped tightly around you, smell their shampoo see there wonderful smiles.
But you get there, and no one takes notice. No one leaves the stove they are cooking at to hug you hello, or makes special time for you knowing you're coming into town and headed straight for them. They toss you a hello over their shoulders, or throw a limp one-armed hug in your direction before they run off to do the fifteen items they have planned for the weekend and you are standing there, suitcase in hand, tired, lonely, and near tears.
Suddenly - you want to go back to London. It was much nicer to be there and imagine that people at home are having a hard time living without you. There you can fantasize that they miss you as much as you miss them, that crushing sorrow that follows a lukewarm reception is overwhelming, and for sure! The four, six, eight hours in front of the computer with notes and papers and reading seems desirable. At least you can trust that. You don't worry that you will wake up one day and the textbook won't like you anymore. You can be sure that you won't find yourself wondering why your lecture notes say they miss you, but don't act like it. The eight hundred dollars worth of books that you keep your nose in will definitely never reschedule you for other plans when it hasn't seen you in three weeks.
Long story short... no one misses me anymore. I walk in and out of their lives and it doesn't matter anymore. Keeping in touch isn't so important, and there isn't a worry that anyone will forget about each other, because they already have.
So, I'm home. And I still cried myself to sleep. Welcome to Monday.

ARGH! October 2005

Ok, so anyone with eyes can see that I have not made an entry this week. If you would like to know why, keep reading. (Incidentally, if you would not like to know please promptly shut this window and go back to your life.)
This week has been a whirlwind of work.. and I have been barrelling through resembling a sort of Tasmanian stress ball trying to put out the forest fires. And yes, there probably was a fair amount of grunting, drooling and idiocy involved in that adventure.
This week I had the pleasure of composing my first philosophy paper in my university career. Seems daunting, especially considering that I sit in class like a slack-jawed yokel and completely misunderstand every syllable uttered in my general direction. Know what is even greater than that? Just the fact that the classes actually help me in my complete lack of understanding of the assigned readings. So to put it plainly, I am technically philosophy challenged.
Now, one may think that this would put me in a very confusing position, and wonder how exactly I was going to spew out an intelligible objection to the arguments I am light years away from understanding. At first, I tended to agree with that person. But in a marathon of eight hours I banged out the best piece of golden B.S that I have ever read! I was so smart I astounded myself. I think I may have even giggled in glee at the deliberate leading down the garden path of anyone with more time than brains that would attempt to follow it. It's great, and it's all mine!! *rubbing hands together*
Of course, I am a LITTLE worried about the truly educated prof who will attempt to read it, and subsequently scratch his head wondering how he went so wrong in his lecture.Terrible F!?! We will see!
Until then, I must study for the history midterm coming up on Monday *uncontrolled laughing* Maybe I can convince myself that I know that too!!

Quiet is Over! October 2005

It's Sunday... current time 4:32 pm. Estimated time of chaos 5:45 pm. This weekend has been completely isolating, wonderfully productive and totally peacefull. And... it's over in a little over one hour.
I enjoyed it... Im not finished all the work I had planned upon, the house never got cleaned yet I feel that I wouldn't have traded these past 48 hours for anything.
In a little over one hour the television will return to psychologically tested, stamped and approved children's programming, the floor will once again be littered with random toys, crayons, ripped paper and toilet paper. I will be able to trace that toilet paper road to the bathroom where it will all be unravelled from the roll, the green stool will be upside down inside the bathtub and water droplets will decorate the sink.
Fighting will undoubtedy ensue over who's feet are touching who's, and I will again consider the idea of purchasing a couch large enough to seat the Toronto Maple Leafs, although I am sure that they will still fight about touching feet.
BUT- I miss them. I miss the sweet smell of Taylor's curls and the way my Noah's body curls up against mine when I tickle him ceaselessly. I want to hear the "I love you mom" chorus and I think I could still appreciate an interupption every three minutes for a drink requested by either one of my diabetic camels.
The quiet is over - LET THE CHAOS BEGIN!!!

The Sun is Shining.. the SUN IS SHINING!! October 2005

The gray pallor of death is lifting!
I have always argued that fall is the most beautiful season. The beautiful colours make me feel vibrant.. happy and alive! The subtle change in the weather takes us from the stifling heat of the summer to a cooler, crisper wind - the kind that puts rosiness in your cheeks, put a sweater on over your jeans and clutch the one you love closer to you. The mood is almost always happy, the wind whipping your hair around your face and carrying your laugh on it's tail.
On closer inspection though, it would seem that this season is merely the transitional period before the death of all that is beautiful. Winter grasps the land in it's clutches, killing all that is vibrant and offerring it's own "fools gold". A crystal white blanket of snow that buries all the destruction it causes. Fall is just the "golden years" of that beauty. Th is is most obvious in weeks like the last, where the sun doesn't shine, the wind bites into you and makes you button up your jacket. The rain continues to drown all the hopes of beauty and the grayness seeps into your bones, into your thoughts and throws a wet blanket on your dreams.
BUT - this morning - the sun is shining! Stand in it, feel the warmth of life as it thaws your skin, your outlook...see the colours in the trees come alive and shake shadow patterns on the walls of life. See the dying gasp of summer and forget the winter.
Fall has arrived!!! Maybe.. university is getting to me...

Is it quiet? Am I dead?? October, 2005

Alright. Lets see it's 8.07 pm. The house is so quiet that whispers reverberate off the walls. The television is on, although curiously no character in a purple suit is commanding me to bumbumpachump up and down like a kangaroo while three children sing background vocals. I succesfully walked from the kitchen to the computer desk and didn't manage to impale myself on a dinky car, my little pony or broken crayon. I went to the bathroom,and the toilet was actually flushed, there was not a trail of toilet paper hanging from the roll, and the little green stool was exactly where it should be. What's going on? There aren't any uneccessary lights left on, the magnets are not tossed on the floor and as far as I can see there are no socks making homes for themselves in between the couch cushions or in the hallway. Am I dead?
THE KIDS ARE GONE! A weekend to work, read, catch up, be normal...all by myself. But suddenly I am looking around and wondering, how can I think in all this quiet? I can't concentrate without the banshee stylings of Noah. No way will I be able to write my paper without Taylor interuppting me every five minutes to ask for a drink and coyly add that she loves me more than any other girl in the world.
Im alone.
...and furthermore....
No sir, I don't like it.

Germs! Share and Share Alike

October 13, 2005

Germs, share and share alike

Germie Germie! Yep... after much handwashing and the like I have finally managed to become infected with some form of virus (an especially mean, selective bugger). Of course, to no suprise it hit me right in the middle of my English Lit paper, the first in my university career. Why not? Is there any better time??
I am sure that someone, somewhere decided that I looked like the prime candidate for germ reception and reproduction and deliberately sneezed on the door handle of some obscure building I frequent. In my mind there is no doubt that it was well thought out, executed perfectly... germ spread in the first degree. I would like to thank that person, their germs and my body (which at the moment is in total refusal of normal activity).
What more can I say? SHARE! I WILL share this germ, nurture it... care for it... and lovingly set it free to torture another poor university first year. ENJOY!!


Ok, so I'm new to Blogger... but not blogging. Posting my previous entries from another site. I'd prefer to keep all this together... especially for the days I'm not...