I Am Brave ~ November 2005

It's a funny thing. I haven't attempted to write one measly word since my last publish - because I still feel every word drips with my disappointment. I opened this new blog, and have sat here for five minutes staring at the blank page. This past few weeks have been long. I have made many concessions, I have bargained with myself, with others. I have stuck my head in the sand, in the books and in my hands. Insomnia keeps me awake, alone with my thoughts which incidentally don't know how to use their quiet voices. When I do sleep (rarely) my dreams are unsettling... dreaming of those whom I know not anymore. I wake up in the morning unrested, in a tangle of my bedsheets and suffocating under the weight of this sadness. I sit on the brink of heartbreak and balance the petals of love and security precariously on one toenail. I also think about jumping. Falling out of this vicious circle of miss and want and terror... and into a smaller life, fewer people, less emotion. Dependable, honest and autonomous. It's not the fall that scares me. It's the crash at the bottom I'd like to avoid.

At night, I sit up very late painting a giant toad. Literally. I have an 18 by 24 canvas to which a giant toad is materializing out of multiple washes of acrylic paint. I am not only blocking in my colour, but infusing my lost passions, my love, my sadness and my hope into each spreading drip. Each layer is a salve applied to the burn which I perceive inside me. I am truly alone with myself, and with each brush stroke painting over a hurt, an insult, an offence, hopeful that one day, this masterpiece will be finished. Also hoping, that there will be a loving critic standing by to give me an honest viewing. This is difficult for me to write, far away from sarcastic humor, and more a pinhole into my soul. Perhaps I am brave, or perhaps I am stupid. Someone once told me that accepting that some will step on your heart when you open it to them, and not allowing them to jade and corrupt it is the greatest way to maintain your own virtue. I'm not afraid to share my love. Some are just afraid to take it.