Monday, July 7, 2008

Growth ~ June 2006

It occurs to me, in the midst of all this change, defection, silence and solitude that I am growing. I don't mean growing in the way that increases inches or pounds (although I've been growing that way as well.. lol). I mean spiritual growth or maybe personal growth.
For years, I've had one leftover from all the time I spent on my own as a young teen and the perception I had of the loss of close family members in my everyday life. So many things sprung from that time, a few positive and many negative. Since then, I've steadily exorcised all those demons in my life... growing stronger in character, learning to trust people although usually they let you down, and learning to trust yourself and reach for your goals.
Many of my close friends and family now characterize me as "strong, determined, successful". It's funny how those terms really mean the same as how they characterized me before... "stubborn, selfish, independent"... just with a positive tilt. But the one thing remaining, the one demon still haunting me was the fear of being alone. I don't mean alone as in this room I'm sitting in is empty. I mean alone as in years of life passing by while I wander alone and unloved. Perhaps "alone-ness" isn't the term i fear... may more correctly be identified as "loveless".
For the last five years I haven't been alone or loveless.. as the two children in my life keep me stocked in company and love. Any parent however, recognizes that although fulfilling in a certain way - it doesn't fulfill one in the way of the human condition. One day my children will grow and leave me - as that is the way of life and it is the best way for the best interests of my children and their adult characters. Once they are gone however, there will be no one to hold my hand, be concerned over my tears, or throw their arms around me. That is is the aloneness I fear...
Also for the past five years I have had a special person. This person eased my aloneness even though we weren't really "together". A routine pattern to caring for each others personal worries, happiness and life paths we have travelled together and avoided that spectre of aloneness lurking in the corners. Recently however, as it is known to always happen eventually, that special person has become fainter and fainter...
As I sit and watch the relationship unravel I am forced to reconcile the shadowy corners. A certain lifestyle leaves me isolated from those I care about, alone most of the time through the day and all the way through the wee hours of the night. The special connection I once had no longer fills in the gaps and most time spent connected is spent in silence.
So as my last true connection slips through my fingers I wonder what's next. This demon I have avoided all these years since... and now am confronted as it crawls out from under the bed and tells me to move over.
I am afraid. But I am beginning to become accustomed to it's presence.. I am growing all the while.

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