Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Swamp Water

Today. Today, today, TODAY.
Today, I am frustrated.
Today, I am lost in my own head.

I am frustrated that I still have these days. These days of murky headed muddiness, where the world comes to me through strained pond water. I long for fresh air, but I feel like I just keep breathing silt. Yesterday I was on top of the world. You and I giggled like co-conspirators while we lazed between cool sheets and drank coffee from a single cup. Your green eyes were clear, full of love and mirth, easy to read and to respond to. I felt safe, happy, loved. All the things you bring to my everydays. Today I couldn't do it.

You are still you, and you were still you while we shared space. Your green eyes were the same, but my messages are all mixed up, like there is a misfiring somewhere in my brain. You asked me if I was okay, and I could only say yes. Truthfully, when you are here, I AM okay - even today. Nothing is stronger than you - and I am thankful. But all too soon you were gone, and I was left with this sagging heart in a boggy chest. Swampy.

I tried all the tricks. I played the puppet, smiling, laughing, moving around - but soon I got all caught up in the strings. I plucked away at the guitar, and found some peace. Then there was you, with all your beauty and love, raining down on my battered frame. Your key. Our heart. So perfect. Your words rescued me from near implosion. A few hours later, the darkness found its roots again. Even the sun will not chase it away.

I am frustrated - I feel like sometimes those old demons keep me on the short leash. I don't want to, I don't want them. I want to feel like I did yesterday - INVINCIBLE and WHOLE. But I only feel damaged and destructive. My mind goes after itself, spinning reality into misconception, belief into impossibility, value into tarnish. I feel like I am up to my knees in this swamp and I can't find the exit.

I want to go back to that night, not too long ago. I want to be wrapped in your arms in the darkness, listening as you fall into an easy sleep. I want to hear the sounds of your slumber quieting my thoughts, feel the strength of your body curled around me. For hours. I want to wake up to find  you pulling me back, close to you, into you. I feel like I need to hold on to something, before the mud sucks me down. I want to stop being haunted by all this old garbage.

Please hold my soul... My hands are tired and my fingers are slipping.

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