Friday, September 19, 2008

Arrest

I was right there. Right on the edge, dangling on the crust of real and spectre. Hanging on with the edges of sunset orange toenails. I held it my hand and my heartbeat, my heartbeat crashing against my eardrums, the fluid blood coursing through my veins so loud, too loud. My ears and the beat and the panic, oh the panic and my insides are liquefying. The demons are right there and they're angry. They're screaming, the stale rank breath is in my nose and its horrible, its horrible and gut-wrenching. They won't stop, their faces are contorted and the droplets flying in my face and oh my GOD the panic, the heartbeat is unbearable. I'm clutching, I'm clutching and my nails are digging into my palm and I can't let go and I need help and I'm alone, so desolately alone and I can't let go. It's there and it's slamming in my brain and I can't block it out and the answer is there and it's so close and the panic, the panic is gagging me. My eyes are closed and I'm focusing and it's exploding, my brain is imploding and I can't let go and my hand drops and raises and drops and I can't let go. They're at the door and the footsteps are so heavy, scraping on the floor and then at the door and it's splintering and I'm trapped and I can't get away and the atrophy. I'm atrophied and I turn from them and the terror. My legs give out, they can't hold me, no one can hold me and I'm not real and it's so close I can smell it and I crumple in the corner and I cry. I cry big scary sobs that steal my breath and shiver my heart and I'm gasping and heaving and the tears, oh the hot tears roll over my arm and they feed the panic and it lessens. It lessens and I give and I shatter and I win, I win.

1 comment:

MouthyGirl said...

Your posts leave me speechless with their raw feeling...I only wish I could describe mine so well, then maybe once I could understand myself.