Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Two Weeks Notice

I know that I've posted a tremendous amount of depressing things lately, but that's where I'm living. Darksville. Deppresso Station. Blacks Corners. You'll find me in any of these places, on the corner of Bitter and Cynical. I'll be under the black rain cloud, you can't miss me.

I have a few questions to toss out into the blogosphere today, random things that I can't get to stop running through my mind. In sharp, pointy heels. Loud, sharp and pointy heels.

When you're suppressed, honestly and truly suffocating under something you can't break free from, and your only options are to either allow the crushing pressure to break you or escape to a place where your soul can be free, what do you do? Does it change your options if you can still admit that you love the suppressing force?

When you feel so very small, too tiny to squeak out your voice, too minuscule to have earned respect or admiration, how do you grow? Do you move out of the tiny mouse hole you inhabit or do you bar the door to prevent being crushed? What if there are two other tiny mouses to protect?

When you are travelling in the same circle, pretending, denying, re-hashing and then dismissing, how can you train your brain to try something new? The definition of crazy is attempting to do something the same way over and over again, but expecting different results. When the only other option is opposite, how do you stop the eddies?

I'm feeling change coming, and it scares me. I've never been alright with change, despite the fact it has been a constant factor in my life. I forget who I was, and I have no idea who I'll become, and I don't know what to do with that black hole.

Universe? You're on notice. I can no longer thwart your impediments on my existence. I'm just sayin'.


Pare said...

Gandhi once said, "Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will."

You are stronger than you give youself credit for - so be tough, go with your gut, and good things will come to you amidst the fearsome change.

(Thinking of you.)

Matt - mmWine said...

What a very deep and moving blog post. I feel there is a lot behind it .. and I hope on some level I can help you get through it in a positive way.

Change can be a wonderful thing, even when we're afraid of it. I highly recommend you read the book WHO MOVED MY CHEESE. It's 94 pages and i read it in about 2-3 hours of waiting in an airport once. It doesn't really "answer" anything, but it does address change, the types of reactions to it, and tells a good story.

I don't think anyone but yourself can answer the questions you asked. we're all made up of different DNA, and will handle things differently. Some of us will rebel and do whatever we want to make ourselves happy, person we love be damned. Others will barricade themselves in that mouse hole and hope the big cat finds another mouse to pick on. Neither is right, or wrong, just the choice that was made at the time. And the good thing is, usually when you make a choice, if it's not the RIGHT choice, you CAN make another.

I agree with pare, however, in that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Think about what decision would make you happiest, and why. Then, think about what could "go wrong" and if that going wrong isn't catastrophic or life threatening, but the happiest is awesome, then go for it.

Thinking of you in this hard time ...

Anissa Mayhew said...

"I've never been alright with change, despite the fact it has been a constant factor in my life."

That right there is so ironic I can't stand it....a constant in your life IS the change you undergo. Not to wax philosophical or anything, but the changes that don't break you, make you. And every day you're feeling it and preparing for it, and your strength is more than you give yourself credit for.