Tuesday, February 23, 2010

All of the words just got in the way...

I've been lying low, dodging bullets, dressing wounds and packing the holes you left in my life. I've been sitting on my words and wrapping my feelings in wet tissue paper. They wriggle and twist and tear into tiny tomorrows.

The past month I have built. I have used those hurts, polished into tiny diamonds in the pit of my stomach, to build a panic room. There is something so useful, so intensely satisfying about a place designed to keep the demons out. I'm in it, with no windows to yesterday and no doors to tomorrow. Safe. Quiet. Calm. I've sat and let your storm rage through my tendons, stretch into sinews and escape through the hollows. Time has stopped and now has happened - and I've survived. Intact.

Around me lies the pieces of who I was. Who you were. Who we were. The burden has lifted, I no longer am responsible for keeping it together, carrying it on my shoulders or choking on its tail. It has left me to lie in shards, reflecting the mistakes we made. I see them. They are pieces of me.

I lie here now and my burden is no longer mine. Parts of me, long forgotten, are falling like feathers from sullen ceilings. I watch them dance in the stillness, fall fearlessly and land on my lashes, tickle my body, cover me in promises. They are still apart from me but the softness breathes upon my shriveled soul. I want to breathe in a new beginning. I want someone to wrap their arms around what's left of me...


Pops G said...

I've been wondering where you've been and how you are doing. Good to see you back...I love your writing even though it seems full of pain.

I can only say that no matter how DARK my life seemed, it always brighten after passage of time.

This post sounds like you are getting better ot at least ready to express yourself. Good for that.

You might remember or recognize my twitter name or blog name: iflyrc0 (that's a Zero).

and here's a big HUG to start you off.

Double Agent Girl said...

PopsG! Yes I remember exactly who you are! Thankyou for continuing to read my blog, it's great to know someone is listening.
That is a big compliment, and I appreciate your words. My writing is full of pain, but it helps me work through my insides towards a brighter tomorrow. I've been working it out slowly, and I think being able to write again is a sure sign of improvement. HUGS!!