Thursday, May 7, 2009

No Moss Growing Under This Fat Ass!

After four CHALLENGING years at university, I am finally reaping the over-worked rewards. My last exam was April 28th, and immediately after I launched campaign "Get a job loser". I have to say, it is a success! As of yesterday I am in possession of two summer jobs.

At least I know the kids will eat for the summer.

That out of the way, I've been L--A--Z--Y! My second job hasn't started yet, so I'm only working occasional nights and weekends at the first. This leaves my days free to accomplish all those things I ignored during the school year. After revising the new "bucket list" for this vacation, I decided I should share it with you!

1. Become re-aquainted with the couch. This takes a tremendous amount of time. Ass grooves don't contour themselves after all.

2. Ingest copious amounts of snack foods. This must be weighed carefully to ensure a balance between chocolate, salty snacks and those of the frozen variety. Thankfully the Canadian weather has warmed enough to allow drumsticks back into my life.

3. Faithfully ignore mounting household chores, including dusting, vacuuming and especially laundry. All three of these things will interrupt completion of #1.

4. Aim to spend the day in pyjamas. In order to observe #3. effectively, it is best to have one outfit set aside to wear daily when you drop off the children at school and pick up morning coffee.

5. While working at #1., it is best to watch a line up of Mystery Diagnosis, Most Daring, Cops and Beach Patrol. This way, you can be fully informed on health issues, social politics and criminal behaviour while enforcing what you already know about the stupidity of other people.

6. Take frequent naps. Television becomes much more interesting if you take small breaks to rest your eyes. Blankets and pillows make this much more effective.

7. Catch up on phone calls. Spend hours chatting to your friends back home while painting toenails and eating snack foods. Although your ass is growing by the minute, there is no excuse for a bad pedicure. In addition, avoid phone calls of the responsible variety. Do not accept calls from bill payments, parents or telemarketers. These are all things that require complete attention and moderate mental acrobatics.

8. Lastly, and most importantly, when spouse and children return home, sigh deeply and claim exhaustion due to your busy, busy days. Give little detail and moderate complaint. Never let them see you relax. Dispose of all snack food wrappers, toenail polish and napping paraphernalia.

Enjoy your vacation!


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